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“Everything Is So Expensive Here!”

February 10, 2015

I’m sorry.  Am I sorry that the prices are higher here than they are at other grocery stores?  No, because for the most part, that isn’t true.  I’m sorry that you choose to make snide comments to a cashier about the prices beyond his control, every time you shop in this store.  Every time.  By now, this must be more than a dozen times I’ve seen you come in here, but you keep coming.  Presumably, you’re checking the price tags when you peruse our aisles before you throw a couple boxes of Cheez-Its into your cart, implying your approval of how much you’re going to be charged.  Perhaps, though, you go through the aisles and say, “I need these!” and load up your cart.  Blinded by your love of cheese crackers, you disregard that they’re not on sale this week.  For your sake and mine, take yourself and your gripes to the nearest Whole Foods, where they surely have not heard anything like it.

When A Pretty Girl Sneezes

April 16, 2014

Occasionally, I spend a lot of time daydreaming when I should be paying attention to what the teacher is saying.  Although, two semesters ago my Sociology professor was an avid conspiracy theorist.  He brought to the table the usual fare of JFK and 9/11, but some of the theories were ones I had never heard of before that class.

Anyway, while observing my surroundings, I noticed something peculiar.  Men are far more likely to say “Bless you” when a girl sneezes than when a guy does.  That’s all we can do.  As soon as class ends, we have no idea where she’s going.  She’s packed up and out the door before your book is in your bag, so if there’s an opportunity to do something nice, we will jump on that.  What better way than to put ourselves in her good graces than an act of divinity?  That’s what will separate us from the rest of those inconsiderate boobs who stay silent during her minute of distress.  Have you no shame?  Have you no humanity?  Have you no packet of tissues?

Odor Sensitivity

April 2, 2014

Today in Chemistry, our lab was all about the olfactory.  There were ten sets of bottles, three bottles in each set.  Two of the bottles in a set were distilled water and the third was either cheese, vanilla, or banana.  My partners and I had to decide and mark down which one had a smell, what the smell was, and the strength of its odor.  It was fun until we got to the cheese.  Ugh.

Don’t Do That

March 25, 2014

When friends give you advice, it means they care.  Sometimes, though, the advice you receive is at best unhelpful.  Say you have difficulty approaching or talking to attractive women.  What would your friends say?  “Don’t be shy.  Just go up and talk to her.”

Have you ever heard that before?  I have.  Give me a break.  If all it took for me to not be shy, was for someone to tell me not to be, I would have had a much different life the past umpteen years.  Most of the time, there isn’t an ounce of encouragement in the advice.  There’s no “Take a deep breath,” no “relax your shoulders.”  Just “Do the opposite of whatever personality trait is bogging you down.  What would you not do in this scenario?  Do that.”

Wanting me to be successful is great and appreciated, but the advice almost negates the intention.  If you were lying in bed, nauseous, with a bright red nose and someone told you, “Don’t be sick,” how would you feel?  Exactly.  The next time you feel the urge to give me ‘don’t’ advice, don’t do that.

The Etymology of OMG

April 22, 2013

Would you believe me if I told you that “OMG” originated not in a middle school cafeteria in the past decade but almost 100 years ago in a letter written by a British Admiral?

Read about it and LOL.

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What Rhymes With Justice?

April 20, 2013

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Musical Genius in “Cloud Atlas” an Anarchist

December 4, 2012

“At breakfast, he has me read from The Times. Old, blind, and sick as Ayrs is, he could hold his own in a college debating society, though I notice he rarely proposes alternatives for the systems he ridicules.
“Liberality? Timidity in the rich!”
“Socialism? The younger brother of a decrepit despotism, which it wants to succeed.”
“Conservatives? Adventitious liars, whose doctrine of free will is their greatest deception.”
What sort of state does he want? “None! The better organized the state, the duller its humanity.”

Putting on Ayrs